Wednesday, June 14, 2017

I could be here

I saw this picture on the internet today--on my jigsaw game portal, to be precise, which is why I can't give a link/credit to the actual picture--and it struck a chord.

This is what "right now" feels like to me. This is how/where I've been over the past few months. It feels like I could be sitting right there on that shore, looking at this view, and I'd feel exactly the same as I've been feeling these past months. It's melancholic and scary while being stunningly beautiful. That shade of blue just depicts how strong the forces of nature can be. They're the forces of death and of life, and words cannot do justice to the kind of feelings they invoke.

My emotional roller-coaster ride has lasted for a few months now. As on a real roller-coaster, I'm afraid not of death--in case the ride fails--but of the fear that I might vomit on someone or soil my pants--I'd never get in a ride with a skirt on--or end up disabled or in a vegetative state and not be able to be my fiercely independent self. I'm not scared of death but of not being able to live while still being alive.

(And, of course, Phoebe. Just... Phoebe. There's no logic to it. I just feel like I have to mention her. All thoughts seem incomplete without her in the background. She's just... around. My baby. My guardian angel. I love her.)